Stop the crazy bus, I want off

Warning: Long, profanity filled rant ahead. Proceed with caution.

This is what we like to call a brain dump. I know this blog has been filled with them lately, but I’m starting to believe someone is filming me for some reality show where they see how much shit I can take before I snap. Thank god for vodka and blogging, or I’d be checked into a mental institution months ago.

For ease of readability, I’ve decided to use headers. Yes, it really has come to that. The bullshit is flying at me from virtually every direction, so I feel the need to break it down into CATEGORIES. My life has become a series of categories ffs.

Reproductive health:

Last month my doctor ordered a bunch of tests, asked me to wait a month to have them done to make sure my HCG had gone completely down since it can influence some of the test results. Today I went in to get SEVEN vials of blood drawn. Yes, you read that right SEVEN huge ass vials of blood. I made the mistake of being curious about what tests were being run that required that much blood, and the phlebotomist made the mistake of telling me. My doctor is having me tested for lupus, among other things. The phlebotomist led with lupus and I tuned out the minute I heard that, so I’m not sure if it gets better or worse. Given the trend my life is taking these last few months, I’m going to assume the worst. And of course, the tests have to be sent to an outside lab, so its going to take a few days to get the results back.

I’ve only ever known one person who had lupus, and I haven’t seen her in years, so I didn’t even have anyone to tell me what I could expect if I was diagnosed with lupus. And don’t tell me to google, I have no desire to see what the internet has to offer in regards to medical diagnosis. WebMD is the bane of my existence, and I refuse to freak myself out like that. Nope, not going to happen. So I did the only thing a sane and rational person would do: I asked my mom to get in contact with the woman I knew who had it. They are around the same age and were friends for a really long time before my parents moved to another state. And then I found out my mom’s friend had a stroke.

My mom and this woman are around the same age and she just had a fucking STROKE?!?! Are you kidding me? I don’t know if its connected to the lupus or not (still refuse to google), but ffs, that was the LAST thing I needed to hear. So now I’m a ball of fucking nerves thinking I’m going to be severely disabled before I hit 65. So there’s that. And the whole I have no idea why I keep fucking miscarrying thing hanging over my head.

Family:

My brother joined the military, my SiL has the tact of cakes shaped like dicks, and my dad told my husband last weekend that his doctor is considering putting him on INSULIN because his type 2 diabetes is out of fucking control because he refuses to change his diet. And the drug he is currently on to control his diabetes is destroying his fucking liver. So there’s all that.

Oh! And there’s all of Joe’s family relationship drama, but that’s so low on my list I’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, people be crazy yo. Not my monkeys, not my circus. I’ll just keep repeating that until I’m mumbling it semi incoherently at work. Which brings me to work. Fuckity fuck fuck.

Work:

We lost a major client because a former sales person with the company pretty much stole them out from under us, an employee stole roughly $75,000 from the company, we almost lost a client that would have put the company out of business in a matter of months, and one of our major vendors is having such a severe customer service problem that we’re considering finding another vendor if they don’t shape up.

Oh and the employee that stole from the company? They gave it all back so not only did my bosses not press charges, they gave them their fucking job back. Yup. Not my monkeys, not my circus. Not my monkeys, not my fucking circus. Say it with me folks: Not my monkeys, not my circus.

AND. The problem with the vendor. They pretty much control the market for the products they provide to us, by a pretty sizable margin. So it would be damn near impossible to find another vendor who could offer us the prices they do with the product selection we need. And their customer service department knows that, so I doubt any real long lasting change is going to come from confronting them about the problem. The director of their customer service department is promising changes, but at the end of the day, they can only do so much.

Mental/Emotional Health:

I am, quite obviously, having trouble dealing with all this bullshit. Pretty sure everyone would be experiencing some mental backlash from this amount of stress, so I’m not horribly concerned at this point, but I’m watching for the telltale signs that I’m entering a depressive episode. The panic attacks have been more frequent, but I’m dealing. Its the dreams that are getting to me. I’ll spare you the details of this area of my life, but the man I call my dad isn’t biologically my father. He stepped up to the plate when my biological father couldn’t/wouldn’t give up a nasty drug habit to support his growing family. After my mom left him, I never saw him again, at least as far as I know. My sisters tell me he died a long time ago, but I’ve never really looked into it, mostly because I have no interest in having any kind of relationship with him. I just accepted it and moved on.

So naturally, my subconscious has decided he’s not really dead. That my sisters have been lying to me for over 10 years at this point, and he’s about to knock on my front door any fucking second and want to have a father/daughter relationship like nothing ever happened. While I forgave him for my own sanity a very long time ago, I’ve been burned by enough people in the past that I’m gun shy about opening up to people who have hurt me and the people I care about in the past. And I’ve been having the same dream for the better part of a month now, and its just mentally draining. I wake up after exhausted, and its coloring my interactions with virtually everyone. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started to suspect my whole fucking family, Joe included, knows and has been lying to me this entire time. I wouldn’t say I’m paranoid, because what the fuck am I going to do if they have lied to me, but if they don’t stop soon I don’t know how much more I can handle before I just snap. And I don’t want to go there. I would do anything to not go there, even if it meant taking medication to make the dreams stop.

Overall Health:

The migraines have returned since my last miscarriage, but they’re not as bad as they were before. I’m still dieting and exercising, I’ve lost almost 15 pounds at this point, and physically I just feel much better. If anything, the running has been helping me stay sane. I can’t explain it, but I just feel more centered after a run, like I can conquer anything life has to throw at me. And then life throws me rapid fire curve balls to see if it can shake my resolve. Some days are better than others, and I hate being such a debbie downer lately, I swear there are positives, they’re just so small in comparison to everything else that I’m having a hard time seeing how awesome life can be.

The End:

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. It was incredibly cathartic to write this all out, and I appreciate it if you’ve made it to the end. I’m going to leave you with a video that a friend sent to me today while we were talking. I’ll be playing this on loop tomorrow on my way to work, and I hope it can help even just one person:

Good night!

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3 thoughts on “Stop the crazy bus, I want off

  1. Seven vials? Okay, so I went in for my glucose test the other day and the nice woman taking my blood informed me that one of the doctors there is conducting a study: they’re pulling hormone panels from pregnant women and compiling to learn from. I’m a sucker for learning; I’m the nut that welcomes the students and such. They have to learn some how and I feel like they’re more attentive in a lot of situations because they’re terrified of screwing up v older doctors that are over confident and too comfy sometimes. Anyway…digression…I agreed to let them pull the hormone panel. I knew she had a freaking basket of vials, but I refused to ask how many, count, or even really take my eyes off of her face. LOL Now I’m going, “Fuck me side ways! Seven?! Seems about right but…damn!”

    The only things that I happen to know about Lupus are more miserable things that I’m sure you don’t really want to know. It doesn’t sound like you have shown any symptoms though and it’s probably just a formality; rule out all the things!

    I got nothin’ for most of the family stuff except hugs. And the military might not be all bad…it can be good income and doesn’t always mean combat; Sean never saw anything bad while he was in the Navy for 6 years.

    The work stuff is bullshit. I remember one of the managers at Walmart walked into another store, stole $200,000 on tape but they decided that it wasn’t clear enough to prove it was him so they brought him back a few weeks later. It backfired: he then thought that he was invincible and could do whatever he wanted. Eventually he was caught on tape again…screwing an employee in his car in the parking lot… best advice is to stay out of the splash zone with that one and wait quietly. They’ll get cocky, management will be watching.

    I’m simply not sleeping. I fight to fall asleep and then I wake up after only an hour or so. I’m trying to stay present in being grateful that we have the baby and that she’s doing so well, but OMG I need sleep! I’m making it to REM sleep to dream. So I feel your pain on that feeling of insanity. At least you know that it’s the dreams and not based on any sort of reality. Do you think looking up your bio dad and, hopefully, his obituary, would help you to put this fear aside?

    I’m glad that the migraines have been better, but I know it sucks to feel like life is just seeing what it takes to break you down. The first 6 months of 2014 made me feel like there was a Wizard of Oz “man behind the curtain” just trying to figure out at what point I would cave and go full suicidal. You’d have to ask lily; my brain literally check out for a while some time in May, but I’m pretty sure I made it there shortly before Sean got the job in illinois. That’s probably not any more helpful than listing off all the crappy things that I know about lupus, but at some point? It DID get better! I know I’m getting whiney from sleep deprivation and there’s been some rocky moments, but things are better now. I get this feeling that if you can make it through some of this stuff right now and keep going with the running, that you’ll break through that wall things will start looking better for you too. *hugs*

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    1. The last couple of times before yesterday I’ve gone to see my doctor they’ve had student phlebotomists doing the blood draws, and they ALWAYS blow my veins out, to the point that it looks like I’m in an abusive relationship because of all the bruising. When I found out they were going to be doing a bunch of blood draws yesterday, I specifically requested that the lady in charge of the students do the blood draw. She couldn’t find a vein to work in my elbow area, so she had to draw from my wrist, which hurt like a son of a bitch, but at least I don’t have a giant bruise. She said I have beautiful wrist veins, which made me incredibly proud for some reason.

      Logically, I know the chances of me having lupus are slim. The problem is, my brain isn’t being logical right now, so of course I’m freaking out. I’ve managed to avoid googling so far, but that’s more of a I haven’t had time to breath let alone do anything else thing than a I have the will power of a donkey thing, so we’ll see. I’m hoping she calls me before this weekend, or all bets are off.

      My brother is joining the army, and he wants to go into artillery (we’ll see if he actually gets what he wants, but I digress), so if shit cracks off, he’s going to war. And that terrifies me. And the kicker? My other brother (the one with a wife and kid, no less) wants to enlist in the reserves. The amount of I can’t even is strong in my family, apparently.

      $200,000?!?!?! And they let him come back?!?!?! Even though they had him on TAPE?!?!?! Please for the love of all that is good in this world tell me they fired him after he was caught the second time. Lie to me if you must, but that is just… I got nuthin. Geeze. As far as the employee here, it is creating so much more work for everyone else. Another coworker is checking all of their work before they send it out, and I’m having to check to make sure they are clocking in and out for lunches and breaks BEFORE they leave the office. And the client we almost lost? Their fault, because they told the director of the purchasing department that they were being sexually harassed by one of our bosses. It’s going to be bad when they eventually get fired (they’ve already asked me to stop checking that they’re clocking in/out when they should. I said hell to the no because that’s my job on the line) because they are ridiculously good at their job and the clients love them. Not to mention the other people who do the same/similar job are swamped as it is, and they’d be responsible for handling the clients until we got a new person trained and up to speed, which could take months given the type of business we do. So yea. I’m crossing my fingers that they keep the person long enough for Joe to get a couple promotions at work so I don’t have to work and I can quit when shit eventually hits the fan. I like the people I work with, my bosses are good people, but I can’t deal with that amount of stress and not have a nervous breakdown.

      I’m hesitant to look up his obit because I feel like that would just feed the crazy at this point, especially if I didn’t find it. And I’m trying to stay away from google for the reasons mentioned above, but if they don’t stop soon I might just have to. I was so exhausted when I went to bed last night that I don’t remember if I had the dream or not, so maybe just putting the crazy to pen and paper (figuratively speaking) exorcised those particular demons, hopefully for good. Joe didn’t say anything about me waking up crying, which is what has been happening, not that I remember any of it in the morning. We’ll see what tonight has in store for me.

      Do you remember a few years ago you did a blow sunshine out of your ass until the world starts to look a little better blog/fb/social media project? Did that actually help you, or did it just cover up the problems instead of dealing with them? I’m thinking about doing something similar, because I have got to do something at this point, but I don’t want to make the problem worse. I can’t say that I’ve gotten to the point that I seriously considered ending it, if only because I know in my head that this is temporary, and I have a lot of good things going for me. My ex committing suicide pretty much cemented in my brain that I would never do that to my family and friends unless I was like terminally ill or something drastic like that. And even then I would stay until it got to be too bad, and I’d let them know beforehand so we had time to prepare. I’m sorry it ever got to that point for you, and I’m glad you decided to wait it out, no matter what your reasons were. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you’ve been incredibly helpful to me over the last few months, and I don’t know that I’d be as okay as I am if you hadn’t been there to help me. So thank you, I really mean it. I know you’ve been dealing with your own crap, so it means a lot to me that you’ve taken the time to let me vent when I needed to.

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      1. Operation Sunshine & Roses Out My Bung Hole…LOL It worked in the same way that gratitude journaling (writing down three things that you’re grateful for each night) is supposed to help; you slowly retrain your brain to look for the positives. I’ve also noticed that it sticks with you after a while too… Today, for instance, the whole “You likely have gestational diabetes!” thing wasn’t really what I wanted to hear, but my immediate thought was, “Well, that means my dizzy spells haven’t been my heart – which was the other alternative. That’s good. And I can manage this. It’ll be okay.” Instead of just freaking out about stick to a strict diet like I would have a couple of years ago.

        There are different approaches to it too; I did best with free-form blogging my sunshine and roses. The gratitude journal seems like it would be easier to stick with if you’re busy; three quick bullet points each night and you’re golden. Lily used to do “balance” posts for a while – she’d list the bad things from the day and then come up with an equal number of positives. Try it out and see what works best for you! I don’t think it can hurt in the least.

        it’s been really great for me to have you to talk too, whether or not you realize it. I was basically alone in Illinois and while I have Sean home more here, he’s…it at the moment. Lily’s the only one of my friends that hasn’t seemed too busy for me in almost the last year! And then there have been at least three friendships that have gone down the drain altogether in this past year. None of them have been the end of the world, but it’s still another layer of loneliness added, you know? And even though things have gotten a lot better for me, there’s still comfort in knowing that I’m not the only to have gone through it. So many people seem to blow sunshine and roses out to the world all the time, regardless of what’s really going on with them, that I remember feeling alone more often than not. I’m grateful that I had Lily through that time; I know I wouldn’t have been as okay as I was without her, so I know what you mean. *hugs* I’m always around whenever you need anything!

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