On May 9th, 2015 I found out I was pregnant with my second child. On May 20th, 2015 I found out I miscarried for the second time after almost a week of heavy spotting.
Grief. Anger. Frustration. Confusion. Jealousy. Rage. Heart break. Fear. Crippling Anxiety.
These are just a few of the emotions I have felt in the last week and a half. I never expected to feel Peace in the midst of it all, but as I sit here writing this, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of peace. If my body cannot carry a child to term for whatever reason I have options.
That doesn’t make the pain any easier. I want to watch my belly grow and complain about my ankles swelling to the size of cantaloupes. I want to feel my baby kick as they start to grow. I want my husband to rub my belly as it grows with our child. I long for the day that I have to pee every 10 minutes. I want to have cravings for things that don’t make sense. I am grieving more than just the babies I have lost. I am grieving the potential loss of my ability to do something I have dreamed of doing since I was a little girl. Something that my body is supposed to be able to do with relative ease. Women have birthed billions of babies since the dawn of time, why can’t I?
Why can crack and heroin addicts carry a baby to term, but I do everything right and I can’t seem to make it past six weeks? Why can women who don’t want children get pregnant and stay pregnant, but I can’t?
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about women who choose to have abortions, I 100% support their right to do that. I understand that not everyone wants to have children or are currently in a position to support a child. I get it, I really do. I’ve been there myself, and its a terrifying position to be in. I would never deny a woman the right to make that choice for herself. I understand that their are circumstances that would make what I’m about to ask extremely difficult, if not impossible.
However, as one woman to another, I would urge you to reconsider. There are women all over the world that would absolutely love to give your unborn child everything you can’t give it right now. There are agencies that will help you find the perfect parents for your unborn child, and you’ll be giving a woman the chance to fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a mother.
I hesitated to include the last paragraph. I know I’m speaking from a position of grief. I understand that my emotions are coloring my view and making me think things that may not be rational. I also understand that for some women, what I’m asking is impossible for a number of reasons. And that for the women who do decide to give their unborn child up for adoption it is an incredibly difficult 9 months. That baby is growing inside you. It is your body changing in a myriad of ways for a child you may never see again. I understand that pregnancy is incredibly difficult for a lot of women, and that adding in the emotional aspect makes it just that much more difficult. I can’t say that I empathize because I’ve never been in that position. I can’t imagine what me asking this makes you feel. I hope it makes you think, but I understand it probably just makes you angry.
But I have to ask. Please understand that for women like me, this may be our only opportunity to become a mother, and that makes us incredibly desperate. It may not be healthy, but our entire identity at this point in our lives is wrapped up in becoming a mother, and we would do almost anything to see that dream fulfilled.
We’re going to take a few months off from trying. I need to give my body time to heal, and I’d like to see if losing some weight will help. I have an appointment next week to discuss the testing my doctor did as well as the images from my ultrasound. I have a list of questions and have been doing some research and I plan to bring all this up at the appointment. I haven’t given up, far from it. But I’m realistic. I know something is wrong, and there is every possibility it’s something that we won’t be able to fix.