Well, I have some bad news. I miscarried shortly after I found out I was pregnant. Yes, we are trying again, but I won’t be making the same mistake twice. As much as it is going to kill me, we will be waiting to tell everyone until I am safely out of miscarriage territory. Those phone calls were the worst, and I have no desire to inflict that much pain on myself or others again.
I’m… okay. I think. Thankfully, I was only 5 weeks when I miscarried and 6 weeks when I found out. I found out after the fact that my aunt lost a baby at 4.5 MONTHS, I would be a mess if I was that far along. Like they already knew the gender and had picked out a name. Eff that shiz. Does it still get me every once in a while? Sure. Seeing pregnant women or babies still makes me very emotional, but I am getting better about it. We had purchased a few items before we found out I miscarried, and they are safely stored away where I don’t see them unless I specifically go looking for them. Needless to say, I don’t make a habit out of it.
I’m still having pretty horrific nightmares that wake me up and leave me shaken for the rest of the night, but they have decreased in frequency and intensity in the last couple of days, so hopefully my psyche is healing along with the physical. My doctor said my hcg levels were at 4.5, so I will be going back in for more blood work next week to find out if they have gone down to 0. We’ve been bad and haven’t been using protection though, so there is a very good chance I am already pregnant again. We’ll just have to wait and see. If my hcg levels haven’t gone down or up, I will most likely have to have a d & c to remove the rest of it, but I am hoping that isn’t the case. Usually with such an early term miscarriage they allow you to pass it naturally, but sometimes it doesn’t all come out on its own. I’d really like to avoid having a d & c, I’ve heard they’re pretty unpleasant.
Other than that, I am okay, just haven’t really felt like writing recently, I’m sure you can appreciate why. Hope everyone is doing well.