Babies

Babies
The newest addition to my extended family, my niece Annie Lynn
The newest addition to my extended family, my niece Annie Lynn

I’ve kept kind of quiet here about my niece. I’m not sure why, it just never felt right to talk about her. That may be because of the relationship I have with her mom, who also happens to be my sister in law. I won’t go into details here, but suffice it to say it was a rocky start to an already complicated relationship, compounded by a lot of crazy on both sides. Even now its not 100% perfect, but we are working on it. She sent me this picture today, and I have to say it is one of my favorites of Annie.

It really is too bad then that every time I look at it, I’m reminded that she has a baby and I don’t. We found out a couple of days ago that Joe’s sister is pregnant with her second baby. My FB and Instagram news feeds have been flooded with baby pictures from all the new parents I know. I’m not even safe at work, where several of our business contacts are expecting babies of their own.

It seems like everyone is either pregnant or just had a baby, and it is wreaking havoc on my emotions and mental well being. I try my hardest to be happy for everyone, but every new announcement just drives it further home that I haven’t been able to give Joe a baby yet. And its not for lack of trying. But how are you supposed to keep trying when every month is just another reminder that you failed?

Our families aren’t helping matters either. Every time we talk to or see one of them, the first question is always if we are pregnant or not. And every time someone asks, I’m reminded once again that I’m not pregnant, which opens the floodgates of depression and anxiety for me. I know that it is not their intent to hurt me, they are just excited for the next step in our lives together, but it takes everything I have to not cry every time someone asks.

I’ll be able to test in five days, but part of me doesn’t even want to bother. I know that is defeatist and stupid of me, but I don’t know if I will be able to handle another not pregnant, and I don’t want to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed. Again. But of course my hopes are already up, so its a moot point.

I just… hurt. All the fucking time. And it sucks balls. I want to enjoy being a newlywed, but I can’t because every time I think about being married to Joe, my mind automatically drifts towards the family I want to have with him, and it sends me down into that pit over and over again. And yes, I have talked to him about it, and he has been incredibly supportive. But there is only so much he can do, and I know he has to be dealing with his own feelings of failure, and I feel like shit for not being able to be there for him in this.

If I had one question to ask, it would be of people who have been in this situation before. How did you deal with month after month of trying, only to be disappointed when the pregnancy test came back negative? And how did you deal with well meaning friends and family? I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t know how many more “Are you pregnant yet?” I can take.

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10 thoughts on “Babies

  1. I’m sorry for asking, but how long have you been trying for? My husband and I were trying for a year before I finally got pregnant with our first baby. And yes, I also felt very frustrated. I even started talks with him like ‘what if” and checking up his views on adoption, even though we were both healthy and there was no real need to freak out. And I felt very upset every month, when there was a negative test. Finally, there was a point where we met up with our friends, who live in another country, so we don’t see them much. The girl showed up with a 5-month old tummy and told us how everything happened from the first try and she felt very strange and surprised and not particularly ready. It took all I had to act happy and supportive and yes, I did cry that night, asking why someone can get this straight away and we want it so much and it doesn’t happen. You know what – I was actually pregnant at that moment, without even knowing it.
    I saw this a lot in other couples that we know – as long as they try hard and are fixated on this idea, it doesn’t happen. But it takes a distraction or a different project in their lives and, voila, baby comes when you least expect. We were tired of waiting and just decided to take up a project and go to work in Beijing for 3 months. I got pregnant after we came back from this interesting but a very stressful time, when I thought that there’re s many other working plans ahead of me that I don’t even have much free time to think.
    Sorry for writing such a long comment, it’s just a problem that I feel I know as well and went through something similar. My only advise would be – do something else, get busy, get distracted, don’t buy tests, don’t wait for a day when you can try or when you can check, don’t discuss babies plans with your family. As long as you’re both healthy, give each other some slack and forget about it – people don’t need to think about it to get pregnant and it always comes when you least expect 🙂
    P.S. When we decided to have the second kid, I got pregnant on the first cycle and it completely got me by surprise. again. 😉

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    1. I got my BC implant taken out last August, but according to the doctor who took it out it had failed a few months before that, so we have been actively trying for quite some time now.

      Its just a self repeating cycle that is very difficult to break out of. I know I need to focus on other things (goodness knows there’s enough to occupy my time) but I just can’t seem to do it. It doesn’t help that literally every family member is waiting with baited breath for us to get pregnant. Even if Joe or I don’t bring it up, someone does. Every time we see them. Which with my family, is every couple of weeks. I don’t want to tell them not to ask, but it feels like a knife in the chest every time someone asks, and it takes everything I have to not burst into tears each and every time. They’re not doing it to be insensitive, so I feel like a giant drama queen asking them to not talk about it, but I don’t know how many more times I can take it without breaking down.

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  2. {{{HUGS}}} I know we don’t really know one another, but I wanted to give you the warmest, most loving e-hugs that can possibly be conveyed through the internet, and let you know that I understand.

    Seeing pregnant bellies, being on the receiving end of the news that someone you know/are acquainted with are expecting, desiring nothing more than to be in their position yourself… it’s incredibly heartbreaking, and the level of failure we feel is devastating. It’s so, so hard, and I commend you for fighting the bitterness that comes along with it. Being happy for others can become increasingly difficult.

    I don’t have any advice for you except the ever cliché “hang in there,” and remind you that pressure and stress isn’t productive to baby making. I am still childless myself and my husband and I are no longer even intimate due to the deterioration of both of our health. I just wanted to let you know that while the boat you find yourself drifting in seems desolate and lonely, you are not alone. ❤

    P.S.
    I so very often dealt with the "so when you two having a kid?" and "I want grandbabies right away" crap. So many individuals don't understand, don't get, that getting pregnant and having a healthy pregnancy that results in that bundle of absolute joy isn't always as easy as jumping each other's bones. It's a gift that's taken for granted by many.

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    1. Thank you. I am so sorry it took me so long to reply, I’ve just been incredibly busy. Please know that I appreciate your comments, and I hope that whatever you and your husband are going through resolves itself quickly.

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  3. Last year was hard. We were pregnant. (I’m not sure how much of this story you know, so I’ll run through the recap briefly…) Several people that I knew were also pregnant. A few days into April and we got the news that we were miscarrying at almost 12 weeks. Everyone else that was pregnant successfully carried theirs to term and I got to watch their posts and videos flood in September through November, while, at the same time, using the ovulation testers to find out that my body didn’t do what it was supposed to, when it was supposed to during July through October. In August, I left the TTC group I had joined on Facebook. In October, I stashed the last of the ovulation tests and my last two pregnancy tests in the very back of the bathroom cabinet. I couldn’t pee on another stick. I couldn’t deal with another rejection or another failure from my body. I made an appointment with the new GYNO here in Illinois, knowing full well that it would be a, “Well, you’re not 35 and you haven’t been trying for a year so…come back in a few months and then we’ll test you!” Which is exactly what I got. I wanted to throw something. I decided to just put my head down, smile for everyone else, and make plans for finishing school/moving forward without a baby.

    My period didn’t show up in the first week of December. I took a test knowing that it would come back negative and it did. I hunkered down and bitched to Lily that my body hates me. December 13th my breasts hurt. Ovulation? I took a test for ovulation and it was positive. “WTF BODY?!” I decided to ravage hubby “just in case.” A couple days later I took another ovulation test that was also positive. “Srsly body…we’re not friends.” But I decided to take the last pregnancy test anyway; at least it would get it out of the house and I wouldn’t have to look at it. It came back positive. I went to the store and bought another to make sure before I looked really silly walking into the GYNO to be told that I wasn’t. It was also positive and we are; ten weeks now, waiting for the next ultrasound and to be into the second trimester before we make any formal announcement.

    It was hard to smile and be happy for everyone else. Most days, I couldn’t do it. I ignored a lot of posts and just blindly “liked” some and kept on scrolling for a lot more. I wanted to punch people every time someone in the TTC group would say that the best thing to do was to stop trying; not to stress about it – that’s when it would happen! I still refuse to go back and tell those bitches that they were right… But now I’m one of those bitches. *sigh* Maybe…tell everyone that is asking that you think the stress might be too much and that you’re going to take a break from “trying.” At least that might get them to STFU. Try the ovulation test strips. You can get them at the Dollar Tree (cheap) or Amazon (cheaper) and it will at least tell you what your body is doing post-birth control. I know it FEELS like forever… *hugs* TRUST ME! I KNOW!! But August isn’t so long. The implant may have failed, but not knowing when is tricky, especially when most chemical birth control has a half-life. I’m sure you’ve read up on it, but make sure that you know what your body should be doing and when to increase your odds. And message me anytime; even if it’s to request that I post selfies so that you can print them and draw devil horns on them because it looks like it’s happening for us. *sending you as much baby dust as I can spare*

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    1. Looking back at this post and all the comments makes me realize how incredibly lucky I am. I’m planning on peeing on another one tomorrow just to make sure.

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  4. Relax, stop trying, and stand up for yourself when people ask. It took me nine months. Also, stop testing. Enjoy the freedom you have with your husband. Meditate. I wanted a baby so badly that I went to a therapist, cried most of the hour and got pregnant that night! Also, don’t expect anything from your husband, just love him. How you handle disappointment determines your success in life. I have a strong feeling that you’ll get pregnant. The time leading up to it is so important and is something to treasure.

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