I’ve kept kind of quiet here about my niece. I’m not sure why, it just never felt right to talk about her. That may be because of the relationship I have with her mom, who also happens to be my sister in law. I won’t go into details here, but suffice it to say it was a rocky start to an already complicated relationship, compounded by a lot of crazy on both sides. Even now its not 100% perfect, but we are working on it. She sent me this picture today, and I have to say it is one of my favorites of Annie.
It really is too bad then that every time I look at it, I’m reminded that she has a baby and I don’t. We found out a couple of days ago that Joe’s sister is pregnant with her second baby. My FB and Instagram news feeds have been flooded with baby pictures from all the new parents I know. I’m not even safe at work, where several of our business contacts are expecting babies of their own.
It seems like everyone is either pregnant or just had a baby, and it is wreaking havoc on my emotions and mental well being. I try my hardest to be happy for everyone, but every new announcement just drives it further home that I haven’t been able to give Joe a baby yet. And its not for lack of trying. But how are you supposed to keep trying when every month is just another reminder that you failed?
Our families aren’t helping matters either. Every time we talk to or see one of them, the first question is always if we are pregnant or not. And every time someone asks, I’m reminded once again that I’m not pregnant, which opens the floodgates of depression and anxiety for me. I know that it is not their intent to hurt me, they are just excited for the next step in our lives together, but it takes everything I have to not cry every time someone asks.
I’ll be able to test in five days, but part of me doesn’t even want to bother. I know that is defeatist and stupid of me, but I don’t know if I will be able to handle another not pregnant, and I don’t want to get my hopes up, only to have them crushed. Again. But of course my hopes are already up, so its a moot point.
I just… hurt. All the fucking time. And it sucks balls. I want to enjoy being a newlywed, but I can’t because every time I think about being married to Joe, my mind automatically drifts towards the family I want to have with him, and it sends me down into that pit over and over again. And yes, I have talked to him about it, and he has been incredibly supportive. But there is only so much he can do, and I know he has to be dealing with his own feelings of failure, and I feel like shit for not being able to be there for him in this.
If I had one question to ask, it would be of people who have been in this situation before. How did you deal with month after month of trying, only to be disappointed when the pregnancy test came back negative? And how did you deal with well meaning friends and family? I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t know how many more “Are you pregnant yet?” I can take.